Chances are very good you are in a state where schools have shut down and you are entering a phase of serious social distancing with your kids. You have been in a frenzy of shopping and reading online testimonies about what to do and now you’re staring into the void of weeks at home, possibly with significant financial repercussions. Please, take a breath now and look to your kids.

Kids are freaking out. The degree is different based on the personality of the kids but basically, they are all low-key not ok.

I’m doing my damndest to be honest with my two and also do what I can to make these next few weeks as pleasant as possible. I have a freezer full of tater tots and an Amazon cart full of coloring books with pictures of animals farting. I’m going to introduce my older kid to the magic of Will Ferrell movies and let my younger one turn entire rooms of the house into blanket forts.

Yes, my county has this idea that they should be continuing to learn but you know what? Education is about two rungs above where we all actually on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs right now. We are all trying to manage food, shelter, and health care. There will be no actualizing of selves in homes with young kids. Don’t force online learning on kids who emotionally can’t handle it. If you want to educate them, choose a documentary on mummies or migratory patterns of cheetahs or some shit from National Geographic.

This is not the moment for our high ideals. I’m sorry this is going to make Jeff Bezos richer than he already is but I am going to use my Prime account like I’ve never used it before. Between the streaming service and the delivery of stuff like shampoo and toothpaste, it’s my lifeline.

We are all entering a period of punk rock parenting. The rules are all obsolete and it’s time to just thrash it out for a while. Ask not what Martha Stewart would do but ask instead what Henry Rollins would do. Then do that.